"Light Dark Light Again"
A seagull, a ritual, music, and reflections, in honor of the Solstice 🕯
There is a seagull that perches atop the historic YMCA building behind my house nearly every morning. And they just pause and look out over the world. Right now, as I write this, and rain is steadily misting down, my cats are looking out the window at our tiny slice of wild, the seagull is there, taking it all in.
This beautiful bird—a bird that many people might call a beach rat—is gazing out over the rooftops of downtown Oakland, seemingly deep in thought/awe/calm. Every time I see this seagull (being real it’s probably a bunch of different seagulls) I wonder, what is a seagull’s consciousness like?
Today is the winter solstice. Amidst an ever-chaotic season of world-ending violence, late-stage capitalism, and the fever pitch of the year-end holidays, I relish this day for its pause. For me, it’s grown into a day for quiet reflection.
I am part of a group that meets every other Wednesday to practice somatic (body-based) ways of knowing together. We’ve had a special solstice session for five years, and it’s one of my favorite evenings of the year. Together, we light a candle, move our bodies, and reflect on the year. I want to share an adaptation of this ritual with you, in the hope that it might bear fruit for some of you as it has for me.
A Ritual for Solstice
Take what works, leave what doesn’t, and add whatever you would like to!
Get cozy: light a candle, make a cup of tea, dress comfortably, put on some gentle music (I’ve made a playlist below that you can use if you like!), get your journal, some tarot cards, truly—make yourself a little corner of cottage-core cuteness
Drop into your body: ground yourself in the present moment, however, works for you! meditation, moving to music, noticing your breath, lying on the floor, scanning from head to toe, taking in the colors and shapes in the room around you
Reflect on the year past, with the question: “What am I grieving?” or “What am I letting go of from this year?” You can draw tarot, and/or journal in response, however you want to reflect!
Reflect on the year ahead, with the question: “What am I growing? or “What do I want to practice in the year ahead?” You can draw tarot, and/or journal in response, again, whatever works for you!
Drop into your body/the present moment again! Move to music! Lie on the floor! Draw!
Closing: Blow out your candle 🕯️
A playlist for Solstice
My reflections on this day of shortest light and longest night
In the spirit of authentically sharing, here is what I’m reflecting on as this year draws to a close and the next is nearly upon us.
What are you grieving/letting go of?
This Solstice, I’m letting go of my attachment to versions of myself: good friend, good partner, good kid, good student. The list goes on. This year, I have had some profoundly painful realizations about the ways I hurt myself and others when I’m so attached to these identities that I do things I don’t want to do, that I lie to maintain my reputation, that I mold myself into what I think is the best version of myself.
One of my lightning bolt realizations this year was around a couple of very painful friend breakups that unfolded over the past few years. I had been so stuck in my anger and hurt around these breakups…for a couple of years now. These breakups were my Roman Empire. I would be cleaning a bathroom sink and suddenly feeling angry and indignant about the way I’d been treated. Or walking by the Lake and replaying a conversation from years ago. All I could think about when I thought of how these relationships had ended was how I’d been wronged.
Then one day this summer, I was making strawberry jam on a Saturday evening, and out of the clear blue sky, I could suddenly see the ways that I hadn’t shown up for these friends in their times of deep deep difficulty. That, when these friends needed me most, I wasn’t honest with myself or them—about my capacity, about what I could offer, about how I felt—but instead remained attached to upholding the idea that I was a good friend.
One of these friends was having a very hard time and asked me to show up in ways that I truthfully couldn’t do. And rather than being able to own this as true and admit that I couldn’t offer what they were asking for, I lied to them and myself, by pretending I could meet their needs. I was so attached to being a person who was a “good friend” that I couldn’t admit that I didn’t have what they wanted from me, because wouldn’t that mean that I was a bad friend? And so, ultimately, I became the thing I feared the most…
I write this, not to say that these friendships’ endings were all my fault. Rather, I want to better understand how my attachment to being seen as a “good person” causes me to be the exact opposite. It causes me to lie, it causes me to go above and beyond my capacity, and it causes me to feel resentful and judgemental of others, all to maintain this illusion with myself and others.
{I’m trying to put this into words for the first time and it’s incredibly difficult. But this is so helpful for me, so thank you for muddling through it with me.}
What are you growing?
I’m calling in the freedom to be the messiest, truest me that I can be. If I’m grumpy, I want to be grumpy. If I’m sad, I want to be sad. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. I was saying to my friend on the phone yesterday, I don’t want to stuff my emotions inside and constantly be emotionally constipated!!!
Rather, I want to wake up in the morning and ask myself what I have the capacity for that day. I want to stop putting my sh*t onto other people. I want to stop needing other people to affirm that I’m a good friend/good partner/good person. I want to mindfully own what I have to give and what I do not.
Okay, that’s a lot that I’m trying to grow! Here’s something small that I can practice in service of moving closer to this beautiful tree I’m growing:
Taking 5-10 minutes every morning as I sip my tea to ask myself, “How am I today? What is my capacity? What is my emotional landscape? How can I show up with love and authenticity for myself and others? What am I saying YES to, today? What am I saying NO to?”
Wishing you a beautiful solstice. ❄️ As always, I would love to hear from you as the year closes and a new one bursts forth!
Love,
Mari